If Sailor Moon Were a Typical Shojo Manga
by Firefly-shy
Summary: An inexcusably ridiculous story of Beryl's brilliant plan to trap the Senshi and Shitennou in a virtual reality game based on Shoujo manga. No powers, no goal to save the world - just a set of outrageous coincidences involving a girl's first love.
1. Chapter 1

_Author Warning_: I make no excuses for the ridiculousness of this story. You have been warned.

* * *

If Sailor Moon Were a Typical Shojo Manga

No Really....

**Vol. 1, Chapter 1 - A New Land of Love and Justice!?**

* * *

Once upon a time in the Dark Kingdom, Beryl summoned her four kings to her side.

"This place is a mess!"

Jadeite groveled before in her in (fake) abject submission.

"Perhaps if you'd allow us to hire those cleaning people I mentioned last week -"

"Shut up!" Beryl snapped, "I don't need your endlessly moronic comments, you mewling sheep."

"Sheep don't mew," Zoisite whispered to Kunzite.

Beryl shot them both a dirty look.

"You'll be glad to know that I've come up with another brilliant plan to capture the Silver Imperium Crystal!"

"I think you mean the Imperium Silver Crystal," Nephrite corrected.

"No, it's the Phantom Silver Crystal," Zoisite interjected.

Kunzite frowned (or actually, continued frowning, since he never ceased doing so):

"I always thought it was the Illusion Silver Crystal."

"Well no wonder we can't find the damn thing," Jadeite said, "No one even knows what it's called!"

"WILL you ALL SHUT the f*&^ UP!" Beryl shouted. They all stared at her in shock.

"Now, my new plan to find the...." she looked hard at all of them, "the Ginzuisho...is simple."

"That's what she said last time."

Beryl threw a pillow from her throne at Zoisite's head. He ducked and the pillow knocked into one of the youma standing behind him. It promptly fell to the floor in agony and died. Everyone ignored it.

"You will lure the Senshi into the arcade. I have had my youma build a special machine that will induce a false "virtual reality""

"You don't have to use the air quotes," Zoisite yawned, "We know what virtual reality is -"

Beryl raised another pillow and he promptly fell silent.

"As I was saying, you will convince the Senshi to play this new "virtual reality" game and when they are hooked up to the system, you will enter it. In the game they will have no powers, nor any memories of who they were. You will find them and torture them until they confess the location of the...Ginzuisho. Is that clear?"

Nephrite raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"I don't understand," he began, "How are we supposed to convince the Senshi to play a video game? We don't even know who they are. And why would they stop fighting us to play a game?"

"I don't have time for such trivial details! Just Make It Work!"

The four kings sighed.

"Any other questions?"

"What is this game called?" Kunzite wanted to know.

Beryl smiled an evil smile.

"It is called _Happy High School Love Bust Junkie Club_."

Kunzite blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I have amassed thousands of hours of research into what the Earth children call 'Shoujo Manga,'" Beryl proudly explained, "And from this random sampling, I have constructed a machine which will simulate the plots of these 'manga'; this will be sure to draw the Senshi who are, for all intents and purposes, clearly adolescent girls...which makes your inability to capture them even more pathetic..."

The four kings winced.

"How will we enter the game? Will we still remember who we are?"

"Hopefully."

The four kings shared uneasy glances with one another.

"I have a bad feeling about his," Jadeite muttered.

"Just do it!" Beryl screeched.

"Tomorrow the world will be mine!!!!"

* * *

Sailor Mercury pulled with all her might on Sailor Moon's arm.

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea!"

"Cool it, would you?" Sailor Moon shouted, "This game looks awesome!"

"But why would the four kings appear and then disappear, leaving behind a strange and sinister looking game that says 'Play Me'?" Mercury reasoned.

"Maybe they felt bad about everything they did to us," Sailor Venus theorized, "Maybe it's a present."

"The Trojan Horse was a present -" Mercury began.

"Oh, whatever," Mars cut in, "If it will get the two of them to shut up, just play the thing and get it over with."

She stalked past Sailor Venus and Sailor Moon before Sailor Mercury could restrain her. She plopped herself into one of the five chairs and waited.

"I don't think it works," she said after a moment.

"AW!" Moon and Venus chorused together. They both broke from Mercury and leaped into chairs, pushing buttons and pulling levers as they bounced.

"Stop! Don't touch that! Wait!"

Jupiter put a heavy hand on Mercury's shoulder.

"Come on, Ami-chan. The enemy's gone and we haven't had a real break in ages. Let's just try it out. It might be more fun than your computer."

_Impossible!_ Ami thought, but secretly she was rather intrigued by the circuitry.

"Well...."

"Alright!" Sailor Moon screeched with delight as the game turned on.

She stuffed the visor down over her face and slipped into the sensory chair.

"This is awesome!"

The chairs clamped down, one by one, on the Senshi's arms and legs, trapping them inside.

Watching from outside the arcade, Mamoru (under the sway of Beryl's dark energy) stood with the four kings.

"We really don't like you, you know." Zoisite said.

"Yeah," put in Jadeite, "The only reason we allowed you to come on this mission with us is because we felt sorry for you."

"Shouldn't you be dead by now?" Mamoru asked him.

Jadeite stared at him, then looked away with shifty eyes.

"Uh...no."

The others shrugged. Zoisite held up a sign that read: Please Excuse the Continuity Errors.

When the Senshi were effectively zoned into the game, the Shitennou put on their own visors and sat in chairs in the connected back room of the arcade.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" Nephrite asked.

"No," Zoisite and Jadeite snorted in unison.

Mamoru shrugged.

"Oh, well."

They all tuned into the game and everything went pitch black.

When they woke...they were in a completely different world....with no memories of who they actually were.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author Warning_: I make no excuses for the ridiculousness of this story. You have been warned.

* * *

If Sailor Moon Were a Typical Shojo Manga

No Really....

**Vol. 1, Chapter 2 - Heroine's First Kiss Stolen by a Dark Prince!? Kyaa!**

* * *

Tsukino Usagi jumped out of bed as her alarm rang loud and clear.

Throwing her coverlet off she accidentally stepped on the cat and fell down the stairs, in a typically clumsy fashion. She grabbed some toast which she somehow managed to hold between her teeth while tucking her lunch under her arm and her brief case in her other hand and ran out the door.

"I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" she screeched, as if anyone who was listening that early in the morning actually cared.

"Today is my first day of school at Clover Leaf High School, the most elite school in the country!" she thought. Feelings of anticipation and excitement fluttered in her stomach. She was so intent on this thought that she didn't observe the person stepping out in front of her until it was too late.

With a nasty smack, and yet somehow avoiding any real injuries, Usagi and the stranger managed to fall into each other at just the right angle to bump lips briefly before they fell. The stranger picked himself up with agility, but didn't offer to help Usagi up from her indecorous position.

"I'm so sorr -"

"Watch where you're going, idiot!" he snarled.

Usagi, who, until this moment, had been oogling the handsome stranger (tall, dark haired, and extremely fine), opened her mouth in shock. But she wasn't speechless for long.

"You creep! What are you? Some kind of dark, evil prince?"

"Are you a moron? No, seriously, are you?"

Usagi stuck out her tongue.

The young man ignored her and continued on his way without a backward glance.

"OMG, that guy just took my first kiss!!! Now I can't get married! Whoever you are, I swear to hate you forever!"

Usagi fumed to herself, but the school bells reminded her of a more important concern, and she gathered her brief case and lunch, sprinting through the gates just in time to land awkwardly in front of the entire school assembly.

A shy looking girl with blue hair and glasses and typically nerdy looking clothing bent down to help her up.

"OMG," Usagi panted, "Thanks a million."

"Oh, it's alright. You must be the new transfer student?"

"That's right! Tsukino Usagi!"

"My name is Mizuno Ami," Ami replied, blushing, "Actually, I'm not exactly sure I should be here. You see, I have this weird feeling that all of this is just a virtual -"

"Hey, who's that hot guy!?"

Usagi stared at the stage where four young men were lined up behind a podium.

"They're the student council," Ami explained, "Otherwise known as the 'Fabulous Four'..."

"Weird."

"I don't actually know how I know that," Ami continued, "And frankly, it makes me a little uneasy -"

"Wait, I know that guy!!!"

Everyone turned to look at Usagi because of her utter disregard for volume. Even the four men at the podium looked in their direction. Ami tried to sink into the floor from mortification.

"Who's that, Mamoru?" asked the blond boy standing beside the dark haired boy Usagi had smacked into that morning.

"Some dumb blonde who's first kiss I stole this morning."

"Why did you steal her first kiss?" asked the tall boy with long dark hair.

"It's not like I meant to - she ran into me and our lips touched."

"Then how do you know it was her first kiss?"

"Just look at her," Mamoru smirked, "She's got virgin written all over her."

"I HEARD that you STUPID, STUCK UP JERK!!!!"

The entire school assembly gasped in unison.

"Don't!" Ami hissed, "You can't talk to them like that - they'll -"

Before Usagi knew what was happening a tall girl with red hair grabbed her arm.

"You can't talk to Mamoru-sama that way," she snarled, "We'll have to teach the new girl a lesson."

"Oh, no! Not infamous school bullying!!!" Usagi wailed was the girls dragged her away.

_"Oh, ho, yes!" Beryl laughed, back in the real world. "I love the school bullying! This is wonderful!" Her lackeys watched her in attitudes of embarrassment and disbelief._

Back in the virtual reality school, Mamoru turned to his three friends.

"Listen Nori," he said to the tall, dark haired boy, "You can't flirt with that girl."

"I...wasn't going to?"

"Well, don't. She's too ugly."

"So, is it ok if I hit on her?" the shortest blond asked.

"NO!"

"Ok. Why not?"

"Because I want to be really mean to her, that's why. Yeah. That's it."

"Um..." the three other boys sweat dropped.

"It's not because you actually fell in love with her when you stole her first kiss, is it?" asked the taller blond.

Mamoru scowled ferociously.

"That's absolutely preposterous!"

"Well, I know that," the blond conceded, "But it would explain your erratic and nonsensical behavior."

"Shut up. I'm going to go save her from those bullies now."

Mamoru started off.

"But I thought you said -"

"So that I can bully her myself!" he added, and sprinted off, checking his watch.

"At this rate I'll arrive just in time!"

The three remaining boys looked at each other and shrugged.

"Wanna go smoke on the roof?"

The two blonds nodded vigorously.

_

* * *

  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author Warning_: I make no excuses for the ridiculousness of this story. You have been warned.

* * *

If Sailor Moon Were a Typical Shojo Manga

No Really....

**Vol. 1, Chapter 3 - Rivals in the Cute Love??? A Cool Newcomer!!**

* * *

_"We're going to teach you some manners, new kid."_

_"That's right!"_

A group of girls surrounded Usagi; one of them pulled out a bucket of water, another held a lighter, the third had a permanent marker with which to write strange messages and bad words all over Usagi's brief case.

"No, this is so unfair! I'm scared! Somebody save me!!!"

"Jeez, so loud," someone mumbled.

The girls paused in their pursuit and cornering of Usagi to glimpse a pair of long legs encased in the plaid pants of the priavte school's uniform.

"Oh, what is it now!?" the leader demanded.

From behind the broom closet a tall, white haired boy emerged, smoothing his hair.

"Why are you all being so loud?" he asked, without any expression.

His lack of expression was translated by the others as a "killing aura" (_"My favorite!" screamed Beryl_) and the bullies fled as fast as possible.

Usagi was left on the floor in soaked clothing to confront the tall, scary looking male student.

"Uh-uh- please don't hurt me!"

The boy looked down at her and blinked. Then without saying anything he turned to go, smacking into someone in the process. The other person gave out a loud yelp.

"Hibashi Kentaro, you big ox, watch where you're going!"

Ken looked down at the blond in his way.

Usagi suddenly sensed the atmosphere in the hallway growing dark and sinister. She new it was dark and sinister because the hallway actually became darker....and more sinister.

"I was."

Suddenly the new blond pointed her finger directly in his face.

"Just because you're the captain of the Kedo team, don't underestimate me! We will always be rivals! And I will defeat you!"

Ken blinked. He had the vague feeling that he was in a very embarrassing situation unbefitting his usual station in life, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

_"Where was I going?" he wondered_

Then he decided it would be best to slouch off down the hallway, so he did, hoping he would find a purpose for being there at all.

The blond caught sight of Usagi.

"Oh, hey there! I didn't see you. Why are you sitting in the floor? Is it some weird ritual? And why are you wet?"

"Well, these girls attacked me and -"

"Oh! I get it. Stupid Chiba's fan club." The girl rolled her eyes.

"I'm Aino Minako."

"I'm Tsukino Usagi."

"Great to meet you. I'm the leader of the girls' volleyball team and the cheerleading team, and judo club."

"Wow."

_"She's so shiny_," _Usagi thought._

"That loser was my arch nemesis since grade school - Hibashi Kentaro. I hate him."

"No way! I hate Chiba Mamoru! We have so much in common!"

"Let's be friends!"

"Best friends!"

Joining hands, the two girls walked blissfully down the hallway to the bathroom. In the shadow of the broom closet, Mamoru cursed the fates.

"I'll make her pay for refusing to fall in love with me," he vowed, "If it's the last thing I do!"

"How are you going to do that?"

Mamoru was so startled that he tumbled out of the broom closet and landed in a bucket of water.

He found a tall girl with a face mask and a brown pony tail, staring down at him. She was surrounded by a gang of girls with face masks, long jackets, and ugly battle scars. Some even had -gasp- short hair.

"Well, if isn't Chiba Mamoru," she drawled.

"Ki-ki-kino-san!"

"That's Kino-sama to you, pipsqueak!" shouted one of her subordinates, and Mamoru was summarily smashed in the chest with a strong kick.

"Now, now, girls, let's not be hasty. I've been wanting to beat the crap out of this guy for a while."

"What did I ever do to you?" he managed to wheeze.

"Nothin' - I just don't like your face."

With that, Makoto lifted him bodily off the floor and let him dangle there like a limp lettuce leaf.

"Please!" he gasped.

"Throw him! Throw him! Throw him!" the girls chanted, their eyes glowing yellow.

Makoto shrugged.

"I tell you what, Chiba, I'm going to cut you a deal."

Mamoru trembled. When one made a deal with Makoto Kino it was worse than making a deal with the devil. He should know.

"I'll let you go today *if* you bring me someone to replace you."

"Anyone!"

"No, not just anyone. That sissy friend of yours with the pretty hair."

"Nori!????"

"Yeah," she slowly grinned, "That's the one. You've got til the end of class today."

She dropped him on the floor.

He scurried away.

Somewhere, Beryl was displeased.

_What's going on here!? she screamed._

"Quiet!" Makoto yelled at the ceiling.

_I'm sorry! Beryl said, without thinking, then: Hey! _

Makoto and her gang had already left for their home-ec class. 


End file.
